Naturally Not

The new drive doesn't look natural. It looks just like tarmac, but it's gritty and dirty and feels more like the kind of slack you used to get in the bottom of the sack of coal. And it's smooth. And it's dark grey, aka black. How did this happen? Do I have to research every single detail of every single thing I have done? I didn't know there were different gradings of planings, different colours for heavens sake. I rang Tim whose company did the job, nice Wilby Tim who once tried to get off with me. Old Tim (76?). Same old story. Anyway, he blustered and wittered but I held firm. This is not what David had done, I said. I told you I wanted it to be like David's. I was very nice. In Wilby they all think I'm very nice so I have a reputation to maintain. I just want you to be happy he said. Leave it for a few days and see if you are better pleased with it then. And if not then I'll come and lay some stones on top, or some crushed concrete. Give me a ring on Wednesday when you're back.

Just the end to finish off

What a relief. I woke at 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep for worrying about it. But then a funny thing happened as I planted daffodil bulbs in baking sunshine. A man stopped his van and came into the garden. He'd just laid a drive in Church Farm 100 yards down the lane, he told me, and he'd seen mine going down. He thought I needed some nice hot tar and then a layer of shingle going on top of the planings. What would you charge for that, I asked? £2,300, he said. I spluttered, and said You're joking! No, he said, why? Well, I've had the drive dug out and cleared with a JCB, and then these planings laid, for a fraction of what you just quoted. If I buy enough stone to go on top it will cost me £160 for 20mm 'uns. He looked at me with admiration. You know your stuff he said. If he only knew. But not a fraction, surely he said. How much do you reckon it cost me then, I quizzed him? £2k, he guessed? Nothing like, I said. £1500? No, I scoffed. Not £1000, surely?, and he went on to tell me the individual cost of hiring a JCB for the day, labour, diesel etc. Much less, I said, and when I told him the price - £450 cash, know what I mean - he was clearly staggered. Well, he said, I've known that bugger Tim for years and years, and if he did it for that price you must be very good friends with him, that's all I can say.

Oh no. Forget it Tim. I'm not interested. I'm a nun now. Hail Mary, Holy Mother of God. Go away. Leave me alone. I'll call Reverend Mother.